Life is a journey, and like in other journeys, we encounter numerous co-travellers — family, friends, mentors, colleagues, and even strangers — who share parts of the path with us. Each co-traveller brings unique experiences, perspectives, and support, enriching our journey in various ways…
Is Life a Fixed Match?
Is Life a Fixed Match?
Time and again I found books reaching me when I needed them the most. Be it The Fountain Head by Ayn Rand in 1974, which lifted me from an average engineering student to a meritorious one, or Gestalt Therapy by Fritz Perls in 1985 that helped me get rid of my migraine, or Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Carl Jung in 1996 that provided me the model for writing Wings of Fire with Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, I did not buy these books; they reached me in a strange and inexplicable way. I can surely add to this list, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware that I recently read.
Well, I have been confined to home with stable angina for a while, and spend my time mostly reading and writing. Friends occasionally visit me and I remain active in my science and technology and innovation circle through them. However, there are no more schedules, meetings, and appointments. There are no targets to be chased. I indulge in a little meditation and reflect on the wonderful, action-filled life of more than four decades. So, when this book by Bronnie Ware reached me, I thought about the regrets I had in life. I decided to read the book first before articulating my list. And what a lucid narrative the author has produced! I have been a voracious reader and can feel a book after reading the first 10 to 20 pages. But this book kept me guessing till the end. And though it dealt with the difficult end-of-life situation, not even for a moment did it turn gloomy or depressing.
Bronnie Ware is an Australian woman and this book is her first-person account of working as a carer hired by the families of terminally ill patients. The reader meets 18 patients in the book – mostly old, but also a young man. While sharing her interaction with these patients, Bronnie Ware shares her own life story with brute honesty and candidness – her reckless youth, nomadic way of living, and working as a compulsion to meet her basic expenses. She mostly lived in London and the Australian cities of Sydney and Melbourne, and rather effortlessly take readers into those settings. The flow of thoughts, choice of words, and clarity of the narrative make one wonder if this is the work of a one-book author.
As for the five most common regrets expressed by people on the verge of death, these were: a wish to have been courageous enough to live a life true to oneself rather than by the expectations of others; the regret of working hard and neglecting family and friends in the process; the lack of guts to express one’s emotions; losing contact with friends of early years; and not allowing oneself to be happier by compromising with bad situations and not walking out of them. Bronnie Ware even avoids putting them in fancy terms, and leaves it to the reader to articulate each regret type in his or her own way and “feel.”
I deeply appreciate the book and the five regrets sound so true. Mine were: incessant travel due to work; mistaking the apparent with the real; believing people for their words; and above all, considering myself as the hero of my little drama without realizing the great puppet show that this world is. So must have felt most people, in a thousand different ways. The academically brilliant students turn out to be very ordinary in later lives and dropouts become billionaires. Hardworking people burn out and look-busy-feel-easy types rise high in their careers.
Who lives? Who takes actions? Who regrets? Drawing from the Upanishads and the Buddha, I can differentiate between my mind – the playground of my thoughts; my body, carrying the imprints of all my past deeds, including that of my ancestors in the form of my DNA; and the presence of an immortal Self in me that is the foundation of my present existence, but sees all that I do or that happens to me as images falling upon a mirror.
So, the answer to who I am is my body, supported by the environment and food, and my mind. Now, the important insight is that there are two types of minds: a thinking mind and an observing mind. There is a beautiful shloka in the Mundaka Upanishad (Verse 3.1.1)
द्वा सुपर्णा सयुजा सखाया समानं वृक्षं परिषस्वजाते।
तयोरन्यः पिप्पलं स्वाद्वत्त्यनश्नन्नन्यो अभिचाकशीति ॥
Two birds are sitting on the same tree; one of the two, tasting the fruits; the other, just watching.
Every moment of our lives, there is a tussle going on between the impressions of the past embedded in our bodies as drives and impulses, and the reasoning of the mind – to eat or not to eat the fruit. Obviously, in childhood, and even in youth, most actions are decided by “impulses”, and in later life, “reason” must prevail, which seldom happens unless one is mindful.
Now comes the question of regret. Fundamentally, regret is sorrow. It is an emotion felt in circumstances that are beyond one’s control or power to repair. The regret of not eating a fruit, or having eaten the fruit! In the Vivekachudamani, Adi Shankaracharya describes Saadhan Chatushtya, a four-fold endeavor on the part of the seeker to become eligible to know the Ultimate Truth.
विवेकिनो विरक्तस्य शमादिगुणशालिनः ।
मुमुक्षोरेव हि ब्रह्मजिज्ञासायोग्यता मता ॥
He who is discriminating, detached, possesses the qualities of peace etc., and is desirous of liberation, is worthy of inquiry into the Absolute Truth. (Vivekachudamani, Verse 17)
All mistakes happen due to an unprepared mind. An honest look will reveal all the shortcomings in oneself, waiting to create disastrous results. So, if there can be one regret, it can be wasting life, or better said, the human birth, in not accomplishing this four-fold education of the mind. But here again, how much freedom one has to choose, is arguable. So, is it all a fixed game? Almost.
The Buddha gave, perhaps, the best knowledge mankind has – the 12-step cycle of dependent origination, प्रतीत्यसमुत्पाद in Sanskrit. In these steps, there is a step between sparsh and vedana, contact and sensation – this is because that is. If this stops, that will stop. By remaining neutral to the contacts of this world, by not acting upon them, by seeing them appearing and dispersing like clouds in the sky, we can stop the cascade of cause-and-effect by not acting upon our impulses without applying reasoning thought with patience – allowing life to happen, instead of merely feasting on the fruits.
So, even this fixed match is fixed in your favor. Human birth is the best chance, among sentient beings of millions of life forms on Earth, to escape this mortal cycle of death and rebirth. All the circumstances in one’s life are meticulously designed to teach a way out. Even the supposedly unpleasant event of death can be an exit for the spirit from bondage into physicality. What a pity it would be to lose even this fixed match!
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