The New Year 2024 begins on a positive note. The Indian economy is doing well, and people generally enjoy good times, if not great. There is no distress or despair in the air except for some intransigent pessimists who are perhaps blind to everything good…
We all are Imperfect; that is how the World is Designed
We all are Imperfect; that is how the World is Designed
Of late, I spend much of my time reading books. Excellent books are available on the Internet, which can be read for free. One can even download them, highlight the portions one likes and even add notes. Being a technical person, I consider this as another great gift of technology.
I recently found a beautiful, small book on the Internet, The Gifts of Imperfection, by the American research professor, Casandra Brené Brown (b. 1965). She talks on a 20-minute lecture platform, TEDx, and is considered as “a new star of social psychology.” The book courageously declares on the cover itself, “Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are.” Later in the book, she explains this process as “wholehearted living,” which comes out of practice.
The book calls courage, compassion, and connections as the three gifts of imperfection. Consider these three words as verbs – actions. So, courage is all about taking actions courageously. It could be anything, from something as small as getting up at 6 a.m., to reducing the sugar and salt in your diet, to quitting your addictions, which may not necessarily be smoking, or consuming alcohol, but eating junk food, guzzling soft drinks, watching TV for hours, being hooked to social media, or idle talk, lethargy, procrastination… there are a hundred types and a thousand forms to it. If something must stop, stop it – period.
The biggest courage is to speak out what your heart says. And we all fail here. We are conditioned to “sugarcoat” our criticism, not to convey bad news, and say “yes” even if we want to say “no.” Not only does life get complicated by such behavior, but every time we do this, we let ourselves down. In our attempt to be nice to people around us, we grow up becoming a stranger to our own selves and live bogus lives.
Compassion is a very misunderstood word. Contrary to what is generally believed, it is not about being kind and caring towards others. It is about being kind and caring to your own self. It is about experiencing your feelings, especially addressing your fears, and not running away from them. The practice of compassion involves moving towards what scares us, engaging it, and overcoming it.
The biggest barrier to compassion is the failure to see boundaries – my own and those of others – and instead of accepting accountability, shifting the blame. Insincere students blame teachers, lazy and incompetent employees blame their supervisors and working conditions, businesspeople blame markets, and the public in general blames the leaders. Even grown-up people do not hesitate in blaming their now-old parents for their failures in life.
Compassion is all about acceptance. We need to accept ourselves and accept others as we and they are and find a solution, rather than wasting time and energy in blame games. Setting boundaries and making people accountable is more work than just shaming and blaming. Parents do that quite regularly while raising their children. Students who are a little slow in learning or not sharp enough, are berated at home and struggle in school. Without good marks in senior school, admission in good colleges is ruled out.
Connection is fundamental. Human beings are, by nature, social animals. We are designed to work together and extend our cooperation in order to progress. Our relationships shape our biology, as well as our experiences. Patients surrounded by well-meaning and caring family and friends recover faster. Neglected and abandoned people are plunged into addictions and a plethora of chronic ailments.
The secret is that our brain operates through connections. Love is as fundamental an emotion to the brain as oxygen is to its cells. It simply does not function in the absence of love. The root cause of our failure in life is the lack or absence of love. We try to find it where it is not present and never approach where it is waiting to be tapped. So, the problem is not that the people around you are unloving; the problem is that you are stuck up thinking about them. Move on and move away; you will find love in abundance.
Social media is an imposter for connections. There can be nothing more insensitive than using emojis for expressing one’s feelings. Not only is the person using an emoji, trivializing the emotion, but also the person to whom it is being sent. Over time, relationships turn into stereotypes, like emojis.
Life is a school. The purpose of living is not finding the path of least resistance, but gaining experience. Human life is the only form in the universe endowed with consciousness and choice. Whatever you do using these gifts would be good and anything done by ignoring them will be fraught with danger. The saying that there is no gain without pain is, indeed, true. So, engage with people, tell them your stories, and hear theirs, and you will find a new meaning emerging out of the apparent nothingness.
But what if I am cheated? The answer is – you will learn about people in the process. Each of us is given an immortal essence inside, like an embedded chip of infinite intelligence. There is nothing that is incomprehensible or hidden from this. Instead of being afraid of being cheated by others, stop cheating your own self, with immediate effect. Everyone in this world is born with imperfections. Your faults are, indeed, the road signs on your way to succeed in life.
Take imperfections as a site to start. Whatever you find as your biggest fault, start working there and you will experience soon that everyone around you is helping you in the process – the entire universe will conspire to help you repair your fault. But instead, if you blame others for your fault, get angry and enter fights, the faults will not go away, but fester like wounds and worsen.
I close with a quote from the book, The Gifts of Imperfection, “Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it is often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
So, accept and embrace your imperfections, your shortcomings, your faults and start working on them – bit by bit, silently, without making a fuss or show, and you will soon find the onset of healing. Even if you talk to a stranger, you will find a friend there… That is how this world is designed.
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