Spiritual Darning of Personality Holes
Darning, known as Rafookari in Hindi, is an umbrella term for a mending technique used to repair holes or worn areas in fabric or knitted materials by weaving a new piece of cloth or thread into the existing material. Often done by hand, this practice was prevalent in the past, and as a child, I recall seeing it used to extend the life of clothing and other items. In modern times, the need for it has reduced drastically. Clothes have become commodities, and the ‘use and throw’ trend is prevalent.
By spiritual darning, I mean addressing our personality defects through self-awareness. German-American psychiatrist Friedrich Salomon ‘Fritz’ Perls (1893-1970), the originator of Gestalt Therapy, and A. H. Almass (b. 1944), who promoted the Diamond Approach, discussed personality holes.
Personality is like clothing that we wear to function in society. Families, communities, professions and talents become part of our presentation and interactions. So, any hole in the personality reveals one’s nakedness—unless it is mended.
These ‘holes’ can manifest as unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or incomplete development of certain aspects of the personality, leading to feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction, or psychological distress. Some people are shy and unable to form connections. Some people hide their talents. Some avoid taking responsibility. Irritability, anxiety, lack of empathy, poor impulse control, low self-esteem, difficulty in decision-making, lack of resilience, procrastination, bad habits and addictions represent various holes of different sizes and shapes.
An unborn baby depends entirely on the mother for every aspect of its existence. A foetus gets all it needs—material for physical growth, oxygen, warmth, etc.—from the mother. After birth, the child must be able to breathe independently. The mother begins to wean the child after a few months, and as time passes, the child learns to crawl, walk, bite and chew, and becomes self-supportive, developing its own movements and awareness.
Next come choices. The child starts becoming demanding. Depending on what is available and what is not, and how its demands are met, each child develops their unique strategy and style to achieve their goals. It sorts out what works and writes a life script that guarantees its survival. The way we behave in later life is decided in our childhood.
But life is a two-way road. Demands are made upon the child, too: sit down, eat, speak, sleep, don’t cry, and so on. Some of these demands may be unreasonable, but the child must manage, nonetheless. Some of its potential is then alienated, repressed and projected in this process, manifesting as phoney behaviour—a fake smile, pretentious servitude, etc.—that can lead to cheating and deceit.
Ultimately, this divide between our biological and social existence results in ‘holes’—lacking the ‘eyes’ to see, a ‘heart’ to feel, a ‘spine’ to take a stand, and so on. Next comes compensation for what is lacking. If a person has a ‘hole’ for eyes, they project their gaze onto the environment and live in a state of self-consciousness, permanently haunted by the feeling that they are being watched, judged, or accused.
One can know a person by what is being exaggerated. If someone constantly brags about their wealth, cars, or luxury items, it suggests they may be of a low social status. Exaggerating accomplishments can be a way to cover up the fear of being overlooked. Embellishing personal stories may indicate a desire to appear more interesting or adventurous than one feels. Overstating difficulties could signal a need for empathy, attention, or be an excuse for not meeting expectations. Exaggerating one’s looks, strength, or fitness could indicate desperation to impress others.
The name ‘Diamond’, as used by A. H. Almass, symbolises clarity, purity and the eternal nature of the human soul—diamonds are forever. The soul expresses itself through love, compassion, goodwill, peace, strength, joy and clarity. Almaas views personality holes as leaks in one’s life-force, and his approach aims to help individuals become more self-aware.
The worst and most common hole is not having ‘ears’. Such individuals continue to speak and expect the world to listen to them. They close their ears to what others have to say and can only tell others what they need. Problems arise frequently when two such individuals are placed in a situation. Next is the hole of not seeing. Obvious facts are ignored by such people. They are bound to mess things up, and, naturally, they are rarely given bigger responsibilities and the rewards that come with them.
The human personality is like a dress covering the soul. A new dress will come only in the next life. Darning is inevitable, and you must do that yourself.
A third part of our lives is spent in sleep. Every night, everyone sleeps. Even those who work the night shift must sleep for a certain number of hours during the day. The purpose of sleep is twofold. One is physical rest and the other is mental housekeeping. Dreams are an integral part of the sleep cycle. Dreams reveal our holes—our blank spaces, areas of our life and aspects of our personality that we have disowned or avoided in waking life. All the elements of a dream are fragments of our personality—like chipped pieces from a broken artefact.
According to Almass’s method, acknowledging ignorance is the starting point of any inquiry. Inquiry can commence the moment you become aware of your lack of knowledge. Assuming you already know something makes any investigation impossible. Take nothing for granted and assume no facts. You are here in this world to know.
Our feelings of discomfort—aches, high blood pressure, non-cooperation by insulin in the blood, shortness of breath, bloated intestines, and so on—are all cries of ignorance. Feel these discomforts and address their root causes, rather than relying on pills and balms. We must also understand our emotions and behaviours—why am I angry, fearful, anxious, frustrated, elated, timid, or outspoken? We must explore this more thoroughly.
Your awareness is the price of direct knowledge. Like a burning flame, keep looking for answers to whatever is happening to you, and the path will appear before you, even if the future is unknown, like a deep and dark cave. The simple answer to the fundamental existential question of ‘Why am I here?’ is ‘I am here to know what I don’t know.’
So, whether by capturing through our dreams the emotions we avoid, or by understanding what lies beneath our emotions in our waking state, we must reclaim our awareness, which can serve as a means of healing and mending. Much like darning a piece of fabric to restore it, spiritual darning addresses wounds, gaps, or wear caused by life’s challenges, doubts, or disconnection from one’s inner self or higher purpose. A continuous process of repair and renewal allows us to live more consciously and move forward with greater clarity and resilience.
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Dear Prof Uncle,
Love all your pieces…..
Such articles and blogs would also help the society an extensive understanding of the reality of life and the shift towards working for *Rafookari* Darning….
Stay blessed and healthy…..
Vijay
What a piece of excellent writing!
One Urdu poetess wrote a beautiful couplet about personality:
तुम्हारा लहजा बता रहा है
तुम्हारी दौलत नई नई है
Your way of speaking shows that you are a neo-rich.
This is a touching and insightful reflection Prof Tiwari Ji. The comparison of darning—patching up fabric—to repairing our inner selves is both meaningful and easy to connect with. It ties together ideas from psychology, spirituality, and personal experiences in a beautiful way. The thought that the gaps in our personality show our unfulfilled needs and hidden strengths is really powerful. It softly reminds us that noticing these gaps and working to heal them are closely linked.
Thank you, Tauji, for providing a fresh perspective. Personality flaws are not seen as defects or problems but as areas of the self that have yet to be fully developed or integrated, presenting opportunities for growth and learning. They can be viewed as challenges on one’s spiritual journey, highlighting areas where we can cultivate more positive qualities and become more aligned with our true selves. We still have some good darning shops in Meerut, and people go there.
Individual reflects the personality with traits imbibed. The damage inflicted across needs to get wardedoff with spiritual dressing to rejuvenate one’s consciousness, actions and purpose of existence. This is cyclic and natural in a humanbeing who is devoid of ego. In this conditioning, the darning happens naturally.
Sir, your thoughtful writing is always a pleasure to read. From my childhood, I have been inclined towards spirituality.
Sir, could you please write about the learnings from all four Vedas? I would love to read the simplified essence of the Vedas through your writing. Kind regards
Dear Dr. Tiwari, Reading your blog on spiritual darning felt like holding up a mirror to my journey. The metaphor resonated deeply, reminding me of my grandmother carefully darning old clothes, never discarding what was torn but quietly restoring what was worn.
In much the same way, I now see parts of myself-my tendencies to hesitate, to overcompensate, or to hide behind certainty-as small tears that need mending, not judgment. Your words about exaggerated traits being signs of what we lack truly resonated. It’s something I’ve sensed in myself but never had the language to name.
Thank you for connecting childhood roots, inner conflict, and the potential for healing in such a meaningful way. You’ve not just offered insight, but also comfort—and a reminder that we can all learn to darn our spiritual fabric with patience, awareness, and honesty.
Exciting idea of mending our personality flaws. I can identify four areas of concern in my personality, including my tendency to overvalue others’ opinions or abilities, the difficulty I face in waiting or tolerating delays, my self-doubt, a pervasive lack of confidence in my abilities, and my habit of delaying task completion. These flaws are not fixed; they are dynamic and continually resurface and diminish. Your blog motivates me to understand the root causes of my personality flaws and address them in spiritual work.
Thank you, Arunji, for another thoughtful post. My key takeaway is that many of our personality traits are often ways to cover up inner gaps or insecurities. The line “one can know a person by what is being exaggerated” really stood out — such a simple yet profound truth. It felt like a eureka moment, and I can clearly see how it plays out in my own life. These reflections help me notice things I hadn’t been aware of before.
Profound; another opportunity for us to take a look inwards. What really is informing our actions? How can we darn our holes before they become so big that darning fizzles as an option?
Very useful blog Sir. As individuals confront and transform their personality flaws, they experience profound changes in their relationships, outlook, and sense of self. They become more patient, understanding, and empathetic, qualities that resonate deeply with spiritual principles. This transformation often leads to a sense of liberation, as individuals free themselves from the constraints of their flaws and embrace their authentic selves.
Dear Sir, you have straightforwardly explained a very complex issue! The pursuit of spiritual growth often leads individuals to confront their personality flaws—those imperfections, quirks, or habits that may hinder personal development or disrupt relationships. While these flaws may seem like obstacles, they are, in many ways, the cornerstone of spiritual work. By recognising and transforming these flaws, we not only achieve a deeper understanding of ourselves but also align more closely with the principles of compassion, humility, and authenticity.
Dear Sir, Greetings! Thank you for this beautifully articulated and thought-provoking piece. The metaphor of “darning” as a spiritual practice resonated with me. Your ability to weave psychological insights, developmental experiences, and spiritual awareness into one cohesive narrative is profound. I especially appreciated the exploration of ‘personality holes’ and how we often compensate for what’s lacking in unconscious ways. This post gently nudges us toward greater self-awareness, humility, and healing. It serves as a potent reminder that personal growth is not about perfection but about honest repair, renewal, and becoming whole. Grateful for your wisdom. Warm Regards.
Dear Arun, A very nice blog. We all have personality flaws, but the amusing part is that instead of patching them, we hide them.
I recall what sociologist Irvin Goffman said.” In social interactions, we act as mature dramatists. We hide our natural personality and instead present crafted versions of ourselves to influence how we want others to perceive us.”
Leaving this false identity , we should work to darn or bridge holes in our personality.
Spiritually, it means developing an immense universal love for every living being. All aspects and holes of personality will then be taken care of.
Congratulations on highlighting such a facet of your personality in your blog.
A beautifully woven reflection!
Just as darning repairs worn fabric, this piece reminds us that we must tend to the tears in our inner selves with awareness and honesty. A profound metaphor that speaks to healing, growth, and the lifelong art of becoming whole again.
A very touching blog indeed. My mother darned the arm of my coat, which I tore in school when a nail protruding from my desk got caught in it. Of course, a new coat would have to wait; her child can’t wear a torn coat either. She valued things and wanted to keep them in good working order. We didn’t throw stuff away in those days; we took pride in extending the use of things. It was not yet a throwaway world. We can move from darning our clothes to darning souls, as you rightly pointed out.
Arun ji, excellent concept darning to correct the personality holes as we get new dress only in next birth. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes.
Arunji, A beautiful and profound reflection—spiritual darning is indeed essential for healing and growth. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
This article is a profound reminder that self-improvement isn’t about fixing what’s broken, but about carefully “darning” the subtle tears in our character with threads of awareness, humility, and inner work. The analogy to fabric and stitching makes the concept so accessible — we all wear our life experiences, and sometimes, they fray us at the edges. Thank you, Dr. Tiwari, for offering not just insight but also a method of reflection that encourages spiritual integration, not just superficial repair. A timeless read for anyone on the journey of becoming whole.
Sir, another good and helpful blog on the practice of life. Thank you. Godbless.
In a world that favors quick fixes spiritual darning is a timely reminder of the importance of inner work and not discarding what is broken but believing in understanding, mending, and transforming it.
Dear Arun bhai, I just read the blog. Honest to goodness, among all the articles, blogs, and materials you’ve written, this one is one of the best to date. Master peice it is.
One addition from my side.
Earlier, people used to repair holes in cloth or in their lives through raffoo or Spirituality. Now, clothes with holes are more expensive (see jeans), and people with life holes are appreciated in a materialistic society.
Gradually, such articles and blogs would also help the Society at large understand the reality of life and shift towards working for “Darning”.Thanks with Regards
Dear Professor, A compelling piece on darning our personality holes as we journey through life! Intriguing and challenging!
It is a reality check on our motivations and actions in life.